Call me a romantic idealist, or perhaps an ignorant sucker, but I always imagined that NPR’s Brian Lehrer was a dashing and handsome young man. That is until this morning, when I was reading Gawker.com and stumbled across a picture of a hideous old man with a WNYC microphone propped in front of him, sitting in a sound booth. I gasped. NO! Could it be? With a quivering voice and a dry throat I fearfully whispered at my computer screen, “Brian? Is that you?”
No. It simply couldn’t be. Brian is a young twenty-eight-year-old with a full head of wavy dark brown hair. He has a slightly tanned complexion with Zeus-like features and a chiseled collar bone. Every night he wears a maroon silk robe and sips aged scotch while suffused in a cone of moonlight that enters his expansive apartment via skylight to calm himself after a long day's work. He listens to Bruce Springsteen and Chuck Berry! He has 1500 thread count Egyptian sheets! He eats steak!
I vividly imagine (or imagined now, I guess) this sexually charged man every day while making breakfast in my kitchen and listening to (and learning from!) his show. Every morning is a blissful two hours of that rustic, manly voice flowing into my ears as I slurp my coffee and nibble at my eggs with my head dreamily propped up on the back of my dainty hand as I daydream about tenderly kissing the lips that spout out such dictional wisdom. So this ugly, rumpled old man on gawker couldn’t be my Brian; he loves me too much to be homely. Shaking my head in frantic disbelief I ventured out into the vast Internet and discovered that my devastating assumptions were true: the picture of that bald, skinny and likely limp-dicked man was indeed Brian Lehrer.
Now that my only happiness is tainted and ruined and I must find someone else to fantasize about in the morning. (Morning time is my time.) Thank god that I still have Leonard Lopate; I will never EVER google image Leonard Lopate. Oh but Brian, why have you forsaken me?
This should be a forewarning to any other person out there who fantasizes about radio personalities (and we all do): Don’t look at a picture of them! Chances are they are excruciatingly unattractive, their only pleasant quality being their voice—Oh that deep, seductive voice that unfurls every nerve in my body…Damnit!
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