You were right. There is no justice.

Someone told me tonight that my new hair reminds them of F.B.I agent Dana Scully.



I was considering dying it back blonde, but now...
The hair stays.

I think that's enough, carrots.

Well, as one of my all time favorite recording artists Shania Twain says, "I gol' darn gone and done it." Sure, Shania is talking about falling in love when she didn't want to (and we can all relate to how terrible that is), where as I am talking about finally dying my hair the one color it has never been: red. Well, it's not really red, it's more auburn. Think Claire Danes' color from My So-Called Life meets Tilda Swinton style. Or I guess we could just leave Claire Danes out of it, because Tilda really has the same color, but My So-Called Life was such an awesome show. Ahhhh, Jared Leto from the 90s.

The intention was not to dye my hair red, but I should know by now that when I settle in with Joey (my roommate who has been doing my hair for the past two years) and have a plan for my hair that it never goes accordingly. This summer the plan was to simply bleach it so I would be super-blonde (like Kelly Bundy in Married With Children.) We certainly got the color right, but we ended up chopping off about five inches as well because all the bleach fried my hair. So my hair looked more like Twiggy's than Kelly Bundy's, but that was alright.

So when Joey and I sat down in the kitchen today, the idea was just to make my hair a darker blonde, as my roots have been growing out for some time now and I wanted to make the distinction between root color and the other color more subtle. Well, when we did it the blonde part got darker, but the roots turned red. This was bad. I never wanted to be a redhead. I don't even like using that word.

So Joey sent me back to Beauty Kingdom to get a different color. It was a bad idea that he didn't come with me, because I purchased a box of brown dye that still had hints of red in it. (I think it was called "bronzed brown", but I didn't pay as much attention to the name of the color as I did to the model on the box who portrayed the color. She was so very pretty.) And Joey doesn't read the box either before he saturates my hair in the dye mixture.

Joey tells me my hair looks purple.

I get up to go and look in the mirror (we are in the kitchen, you see) and he tells me not to. That I should just sit back down and wait to look.

After twenty five minutes and few bites of delicious cheese from the Essex Market, I am face down, leaning over the side of the tub in the bathroom while Joey rinses the dye out. I still haven't seen my hair. I half open my eyes as he rinses and can see maroon-colored water running off the ends of my hair, splattering onto the floor of the tub and snaking toward the drain.

"Joey, this looks red to me."

"Hmmm, well it's not really red, it's more of a burgundy."

I didn't like that.

Well, once it was dried it turned out alright. Alright enough for me to give it a try. I look wiser I think. More sophisticated. No one has seen it yet except Joey. I will report back the reactions of others.

Happy New Year!

AM Randomness Pt. 3

Another night another dream...


So last night I dreamed that I met Zac Efron at a party at my apartment in Bushwick. (You know, the guy from the three Disney High School Musical films.) In my dream I found him captivatingly attractive and sat down on the arm of the couch on which he was sitting and began talking with him about college basketball.

Suddenly, we both had places to go so we walk to the subway and get on the train together. We ride for awhile, continually talking. What about, I never knew. We were just two very chatty subway riders engaging one another in vibrant conversation. As we rode an urge in me grew that I had to be protective over him, not in a possessive way, but more in a big sister, motherly way. (In my dream I had imagined he was much younger than me, like fifteen or sixteen, but after doing some wikipedia research I found out that he is a mere two years younger than me.) But, despite the motherly adoration, I really wanted to bone him. It was all I could think about while we were riding the train together. And to increase my intense amative desire, Zac explained to me that he just broke up with his girlfriend because she wouldn't have sex with him. I smiled at him and then stood up, giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek and because it was my stop I got off the subway. I was blissful, knowing that I would see him again soon and that when I did I would seduce him.

I got off the train and it and Zac rumbled away. I smiled and then remembered that I was pregnant. In my dream, my stomach wasn't much larger than it normally is in real life, but the skin on my abdomen was much tighter. It felt like if I bent over at too sharp an angle my skin would just rip open like a piece of dried seaweed paper.

Upon remembering I'm pregnant I immediately change my plans (whatever they were) and go over to my friend Anna's house, pissed as hell because I don't think Zac Efron will want to have sex with someone who is going to have a baby and already has one kid. (Apparently I already have one young baby at home.)

So I am at Anna's apartment and in complete regret I ask her, while calmly running my hands over my taught skin, "Why the hell didn't I get an abortion?" Anna shakes her head. "I already have one child and I don't even know where it is! When was the last time you saw that kid?" Anna shakes her head again and says, "I don't think I ever saw it."

I panic thinking back to Zac's pretty boy face and his fluffy feathery hair, "I can still get an abortion, right? Just go to Planned Parenthood?" Just as I finish my sentence my water breaks and Anna must take me to the hospital. When I wake up (wake up in my dream, not from my dream) I am lying on a hospital bed in one of those paper gowns with big woolen socks on my feet. Anna is there. I look at her and she smiles. "I had it taken care of," she says.

I want to get up and give her a hug, but I can't move as the epidural is still numbing my legs. "And the other one?" I ask. "Taken care of." Anna smiles.

I lay my head back down on the pillow and gleefully think of Zac and how I can't wait to see him again. You know, to sleep with him.