Why on Earth am I not this girl?!

Amber Tamblyn - your name was unknown to me until this morning and it is with regret that I learn of your existence under such undesirable circumstances. Now I know that I don't like you, not one little bit. You stole my man. I want to tie you up and leave you in a closet and wear your face around all day - just like Castor Troy and Sean Archer - so I can make out with David Cross at movie premieres.